hmm, so where to begin. well basically, this may be me complaining, or this WILL be me complaining. i just have things i need to get out and no one to talk to at the moment. gr. so i apologize. there is no need to read the rest.

so i go back to school on saturday. and i'm really hesitant. like i want to go (i want to get back out of zumbrota more than anything actually right now. just a few people i want to see and then i want to leave again) but i don't want to start classes for one thing. but when people ask thats the only thing i say. i tell them i'm not ready for classes, which i'm not really, but thats not the entire reason. i'm actually scared that i'll be spending this entire semester alone. which freaks me out like none other. i did get a new roommate yes, but i know nothing about her. the only thing i know is her name and that she is from El Salvador. and i'm not saying thats bad or anything like that. i have no problem with that at all. but i have no idea what she is like and everything like that. i dunno whether we'll get along or what. i'm not counting on being friends with her, because roommates are better left roommates than best friends ESPECIALLY in the dorms because of the close living space and such. but then that leaves me alone a lot. arika lives in an apartment, and she has a busy schedule. well, i think its more tough than busy, but still. and then jake is looking forward to seeing the guys and such. and as much as the guys told me they would hang out with me over the last semester, i really don't think they did. i don't actually remember the last time hanging out with them. but i know that jake will want to be with them, and probably without me because he is probably sick of me by now. so that leaves me alone. i mean there will be homework yes, but not THAT much homework. so what will i be left to do, watch movies and play sims? because thats really all i feel like i will be doing. i'm freaking out about this. i'm scared of being left completely alone the entire time. i mean yes, i'll see jake. he will make some time for me. but thats still some. i mean he has his friends and all. i'm not going to MAKE him ditch them to be with me all the time. i mean there is a part of me that wants to be like that. but thats such a bitch thing to do. i wouldn't do that. at all. and the girls that do that all the time are stupid and wastes of time honestly. i mean yes i'm sure i do that sometimes, but i think normally thats more of an "i need you around right now" sort of thing instead of the whole you have to make sure i'm entertained too thing. i just don't know what to do. i mean for as much differences as chelsea and i had we got along. and we hung out in our dorms just the two of us quite often. and i will miss that for sure. i never really thanked her for that. i mean i'm glad that she is living at home because honestly i think she would be hard to deal with and a wreck this next semester, but its still sad to see her go and such. and it all goes back to being alone. and i'm scared i'm going to be alone a lot. and honestly, being alone sometimes is my fear. there are times when i like being alone and i need to be alone. i'm fine being alone right now. but the thought of always being alone freaks the crap out of me. and i don't want to be alone forever. but i think this semester will be the semester i get to know myself. and my sims apparently.

thats basically it i guess. but its really heavily in my mind. its actually driving me nuts and i'm starting to dread going back at the same time that i look forward to it. and that makes me want to cry (which would hurt right now since my eye is scratched and such.) but i guess we'll see what happens. maybe something good will come out of this semester. but all i see is loneliness.

oh, and i still cannot stand HER.

snowed in at christmas...doesn't that sound like fun? i mean its not like we have anywhere far far away to go but still. i guess my biggest deal with being snowed in is that i feel stuck. i don't like feeling like i cannot go anywhere at all, even if i wasn't planning on it. i don't like to feel trapped in one place for an unknown amount of time. from what it sounds like i'll be lucky to get out of my house by christmas. and thats the day i actually have places to go. i have family to see that i haven't seen in forever. and i guess i don't really want to miss out on that. and feeling trapped is just not something i want. i mean i like my family and all but there are times when i need a break. three days at home and i will definitely need a break, even for like an hour or so. but sometimes they don't want me to be by myself for the littlest amount of time because we all need quality time together i guess. sometimes, though, it gets to be too much. oh well. i guess i'll have to take it.

but, after this winter (might i add its only officially been winter for like 3 days and we've already had a foot of snow and more coming) i have decided i need to move south. no more snow for me.

and that is all i have to say. minus this whole christmas blizzard thing, i LOVE winter break =]